


Can I exhale for a minute?

by Fantasyeverything



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Formula 1, Formula One, Hurt Max Verstappen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Paddock Family, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26232343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fantasyeverything/pseuds/Fantasyeverything
Summary: If the pressure for the Red Bull driver gets too high, what should he do?Max Verstappen has very dark thoughts and it is too much for him. Hopefully his friends can help him.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Kudos: 71





	Can I exhale for a minute?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Romantic_at_Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Romantic_at_Heart/gifts).



> Hey, there are references to suicide in this story.   
> If you want to miss the suicide, it starts with: I put too much weight on words and glances. 
> 
> I wrote this fanfic for someone: Or maybe like one where the pressure and expectations get too much for Red Bull driver and be tries to commit suicide fails obvs and has to be put in a coma for recovery where he hears how much the drivers love / like / respect him.
> 
> I hope this was what you had in mind

Everyone always blamed him. Everybody. This season was a failure. His car was doing well, he knew that. But then why didn't he do it right? He was fourth in the championship, quite good. But Max knew there was more to this car. Oh god, everyone knew there was more to this car. All the headlines were full of it: will the Red Bull driver be kicked out of the team? Max almost cried at the thought of it. The pressure was so much, it started to break him.

Almost every race he had something, a crash, an engine problem, a bad start. Especially the crashes became too much for Max, everyone blamed him. Every journalist, Christian, Helmut, the drivers and his father. They blamed Max. Max also started blaming himself every race.

The drivers began to hate Max, or so he thought. Sebastian once got so angry because Max drove him off the track. It scared him, but he didn't say that to anyone. Seb later came to apologize, but the dark thoughts in Max's head were already there. And so every race someone was angry with him. He had to do better or he would get fired. Christian gave him a very serious speech, but it only added to the pressure.

The Dutch fans were also disappointed in him. They watched the races less and less. It wasn't fun when Max screwed up. Max didn't know what else to do. He did his best every race, but the nerves grew more and more. The dark thoughts in his head grew more and more intense.

You are not good enough. Nobody likes you. Nobody wants you. They will replace you. 

Max closed his eyes and screamed, sometimes they got really too much. Tears streamed down his cheeks, he was so tired. Nobody understood how frustrated he was. He really tried, why doesn't anyone believe him? The crashes were accidental. The bad results ... maybe it was his fault after all?

"Hey Max!" Daniel's voice came from the other side of the door.

Max wiped away his tears, "yes?" He walked to the door and looked into the eyes of the cheerful Daniel Ricciardo.

"Are you coming to the Press Conference" 

Max sighed, more questions about his failure. He nodded, took his cap and walked with his friend.

"Don't you feel like it?" Daniel asked. His voice was a little worried.

Max shrugged, "not really."

"Why?" Daniel's beautiful eyes looked at him in surprise.

Max shrugged again. He couldn't tell Daniel everything. The Australian had no interest in that anyway.

Once they arrived in the room with the other drivers, Daniel soon left him. Max didn't know whether he was doing that on purpose, because he actually didn't like Max, or whether his thoughts were playing a game with him again. In the corner of his eye, he saw Charles talking exuberantly with Daniel and Alex. They must have had the greatest fun. Lando also joined a few minutes later. He looked at Max first, but decided to walk to the others. Of course, Max didn't like himself very much now either.

Pierre Gasly eventually walked to the Dutchman.

"Hey man, how are you?" The Frenchman also looked concerned.

Max tried to smile, "Good." That was a big lie.

The Frenchman breathed a sigh of relief, "good, because you look tired."

What was that supposed to mean? Did he look really tired? Max was tired, so it wasn't a lie. He was very tired.

"I only slept for a few hours last night," Max replied.

Pierre's face looked concerned at his friend again. "Hopefully you will sleep better tonight."

Max nodded, "I have been given strong sleeping pills from the doctor."

Pierre laughed, "oh, that's great!"

Max didn't know if it was that good, but hoped they helped. He needed sleep, maybe then those thoughts would stop.

During the press conference, Max was not quite there. He stared into the distance, paying no attention.

"A question for Max. How do you think this season is going for you so far?"

Max had not paid attention for a moment and heard everyone sigh. A flush of red appeared on his cheeks. He hated that embarrassment.

"This season is not going so well," he said. He was honest, he had to. "But I'm going to fight for the next races to be better." He hoped this was the only question for him, but unfortunately it wasn't.

"Do you think you are good enough for Red Bull?"

Frankly, he didn't think so.

"Yes, I'm just unlucky."

Was that the last question?

"Is the pressure too much for you?"

Fuck, one more stupid question.

"Never."

His answers were great, he knew that. 

"Max?"

Max turned and looked into Daniel's eyes. Max started to blush, oh god what is that Australian doing to him?

"Yes?"

"Maybe you have to rephrase your answers," the Renault Driver began. He looked a little nervous.

Max frowned, "why?"

"You come across quite arrogant to the press and the other drivers. I know you, but the people who read the news don't." Daniel shrugged, "I think it will help."

Max wasn't sure what to say for a moment. Were his answers wrong? Was he really doing everything wrong? Max nodded and thanked his friend. Then he turned and walked away quickly. He wanted to be alone.

He hit the wall hard with his fist until it started to bleed. He did that often. He had to feel pain. Pain was the only thing that could help the Dutchman now. He hit again, harder and harder. Drops of sweat run down his forehead. He ignored all his feelings, except for pain.

Suddenly he stopped and cried out in pain. There was a hole in the wall. The walls weren't very thick, but still. He cursed and examined his hand. He had to see a doctor, but he stayed put. He didn't want a doctor, he would give him painkillers. Max wanted to feel the pain, he deserved to feel pain.

"I am really awful," Max cried. He hated himself. Why couldn't he drive this car? Why didn't he get this car to the podium? The blood on his knuckles dripped to the floor. It smelled of sweat, fear and blood in here.

"Is everything okay there?" The voice of one of his best friends came through the door. Alex sounded worried, why did everyone sound so worried? Max managed on his own.

"Leave me alone Alex," said Max angrily. 

Alex opened the door anyway and looked at the hole in the wall in alarm. He frowned and stared at Max's bloody hand. "What have you done?!" Alex sounded shocked and angry.

"You can see that."

Alex walked over to Max, picked up a cloth and dabbed the blood. "You really have to do something about your anger." Max rolled his eyes. Another one who knew everything better. 

"Do I have to get Daniel?"

Max frowned, "why?" What did Daniel have to do with this?

Alex didn't get it for a moment. "You are in a relationship, right?"

Max shook his head. As if Daniel wanted something with the Dutchman. Max had a crush on him for years, but he wouldn't be more than friends. "Oh," muttered Alex. He dabbed Max's hand, "you have to go to the doctor."

Max started to cry. He turned his head so Alex wouldn't see it. Why did he feel so awful? 

"Can you leave me alone please?"

Alex wanted to say something, but was interrupted by Max's screams. "Alex! Get out!" Alex's eyes widened with shock and he ran. Max leaned against the wall, crying. He hated his life. He just wanted it all to stop, maybe that was better. But as an F1 driver, he had a hard time quitting everything. He looked at the sleeping pills jar and closed his eyes. No, maybe it was better tomorrow.

The next day was the Race in Spain, a race that Max usually enjoyed. The race itself started well, he was third, something he had missed. Before him was Sebastian and behind him Charles. He was faster than both. Suddenly he saw that Seb was leaving room. Nerves shot through his body and he steered the car into that room. A few seconds later his car hit the Ferrari. Seb spun and hit the wall. Max shot straight ahead and had to stop the car too.

He got out of the car and winced. Pain all through his leg, but he pretended nothing was there. His hero, Sebastian walked up to him. Max thought he was going to ask if he was okay. Instead, an angry man stood in front of him, screaming. 

"Max, what a stupid move! Why would you do that ?!"

Max cringed, hated it when people yelled. "I-" He couldn't even apologize because Seb was already running away. Max cursed, people would hate him even more after this.

Once back in the paddock, Max wanted to walk to the Ferrari driver. "Seb, I'm sorry," Max whispered.

Seb rolled his eyes, "Max, I'm too angry to talk to you now."

Max swallowed and went back to his room. This was a horror.

Can I exhale for a minute?  
Can I get this out in the open?  
Can I sit down for a second?  
Can I breathe?

Max felt he was reaching the limit. The pressure was too high. That same day, an angry Helmut and Christian came to have a conversation with Max. He really had to do more, otherwise they could use a different driver. He had to stop those stupid actions.

I put too much weight on words and glances  
I put too much weight on situations  
I put too much on myself  
Thinking I don't deserve what I've earned, but yeah

Max couldn't breathe anymore, everyone hated him. Where was the air and why couldn't he breathe? Maybe he should just quit. He had had enough of this life. In tears he picked up the jar of sleeping pills. He emptied the jar into his hand and put it all in his mouth. Then he swallowed it and closed his eyes. It would be over now.

Daniel put his phone away with concern, why didn't Max respond to his messages? Maybe he should drop by, Sebastian had said he was too strict for the Dutchman. Daniel shrugged and walked to Max's room. Even though he belonged to Renault, he was always let into Red Bull. Most knew he and Max had something, even if they didn't know it themselves.

He knocked on the door. He intended to cheer up the Dutchman. "Maxy?"

There was no answer, which was strange. Max was usually here when he was feeling down.

Maybe he hadn't heard him. "Max?" Daniel tried again.

No answer.

Now Daniel was getting concerned, he tried to open the door, but it was locked. Fuck, what was going on? Daniel kicked the door open and saw Max lying on the floor with a jar of pills in his hands. 

Daniel's eyes widened, "Call 112!!"

Several people walked up to the noise and were shocked. Daniel tried not to cry and held Max's hand. It was still warm, that was good. "It's going to be okay Maxy." In the distance there was an ambulance sound.

The next day it was announced to the drivers that Max Verstappen was in a coma from his suicide attempt. He is deliberately held there for his recovery. Everyone was shocked and they didn't know what to do. Especially a number of drivers who got on really well with Max were very sad. Daniel felt terrible, he loved the Dutchman. He stayed with him in the hospital.

Alex felt guilty, maybe this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't left the day before? He shook the thought out of his head, no, he shouldn't think like that. Seb felt terrible too, he had been too strict with the Red Bull driver. Was this his fault? Lando remained silent, not sure what to say. His best friend was hospitalized from a suicide attempt. He was so concerned.

In the end it was Charles who called them together. As if Charles was trying to be strong. He'd messaged Max's best friends to meet up somewhere. Now they sat here quietly waiting for Charles to say something. Pierre, Alex, Sebastian, Kimi, Lando, George and Charles himself. Charles had also sent a message to Daniel, but the Australian could not be removed from the Dutchman.

"Hey," Charles began a little cautiously. "I think we should all go to Max. We as best friends and all the other drivers who want to come along. We have to tell him how much he means to us before it's too late." Before it was too late. Because Max might not be able to wake up from his coma.

The others nodded. Sebastian put his head on Kimi's shoulder. "I feel terrible."

Kimi rubbed his husband's hair. "It'll be fine."

Charles nervously bit his lip and sent the message to all drivers. Tomorrow they would go to Max and fill his hospital room. Lando cried softly and hugged Alex. George was also not sure what to do and played with his clothes. This was awful.

"Come on guys, Max is a fighter. He just lost his spirit. Our job is to give this back and show him he's not alone." Kimi's words did everyone good.

The next day, Charles appeared in the hospital with high hopes. There he was shocked by all the people who were present for Max. All drivers were present, with some other people.

Charles knocked on Max's door and was let in by Daniel. The Australian smiled and looked tired. "Thank you for being here."

One by one the drivers walked in to say something to the Dutchman. It was quiet and private, as Max would have liked. Charles sobbed as he took Max's hand and squeezed it. "You're an example to me. I still want to fight you for the championship, you can't go yet."

Lando had muttered something about needing someone in the paddock to whom he could tell anything. Alex said he needed Max to enjoy every day. Daniel had declared his love for the Dutchman. He had cried and begged for Max to wake up. It hadn't helped. Everyone said something, out of love or out of respect. They then left the hospital and Max was left with Daniel again.

"Now we're alone again," Daniel muttered. "Max, why didn't you come to me? I'm always there for you." 

Daniel stroked the Dutchman's hands. They were warm and soft. He was stuck to all kinds of wires, for which Dan did not understand the reasons. The heart monitor gave Daniel a little peace and hope. If the heart still worked, Max could still wake up. But still, sometimes it seemed like Max was already dead. The body laid so still. He still breathed himself, that was nice. 

"Maxy, all your friends came to tell you today that they want you to keep fighting. They need you and we need you." Daniel sighed, could Max really hear him?

"Dan?" asked a trembling voice. 

Daniel was shocked and looked straight at his best friend. Max's eyes were opened and curiously looked around the room. 

"Where am I?"

Daniel smiled and pushed the red button for a doctor to come. "You're in the hospital, Maxy."

Max didn't understand much about it. Why was he in the hospital? Wasn't there a race going on? Had he been in a crash? Suddenly he remembered the pills and the fading of his life. Had he died? Apparently the pills hadn't worked. But he didn't care now, because he looked into a pair of beautiful eyes.

"Dan, the pills and-" He didn't dare to finish his sentence.

Daniel closed his eyes. "I found you lifeless on the floor."

Max started to cry. This was awful, he should have been dead.

"I'm so glad you're alive." Daniel's words made Max's heart fly. The Australian stroked the skin of the Dutchman. "You were still warm." Only now did Max see that Daniel was also crying. Had he been so worried?

Then, very suddenly, Daniel pressed his lips to Max's. Max tasted Dan's salty tears as he kissed. His soft lips that lovingly touched his. It felt like a fairytale, but it wasn't. When the kiss ended, Max was speechless. "Why did you do that?"

Daniel sobbed, "I've wanted to do that for so long. I did it now before it's too late. Max I really like you."

Max blushed, "I really like you too."

They were both rudely interrupted by the doctor rushing in. He looked at the patient and did some checks. Max still had to stay for several scans. The doctor also arranged an appointment with a psychologist. He was obliged to go to the first few sessions.

"You have to talk about it," the doctor said.

Max didn't want to, he hated to talk about his feelings.

He was brought in the sessions by Daniel and Charles. Daniel was now his boyfriend and refused to leave him alone. Charles also had a hard time with it and was often with Verstappen. He kissed his boyfriend goodbye and winked at Charles. They would prefer to come along, but he had to do this himself. Max took a deep breath, after his overdose he sometimes had trouble breathing. His memory was no longer as good as it used to be. He forgot the smallest things and his boyfriend often had to help him.   
"How are you now?" his psychologist asked. Her name was Emma.

"Better than last week," Max replied.

Emma nodded, "How come?"

Max bit his lip, "I remembered something from my coma, or it was a strange dream."

Emma nodded again and wrote something down, "tell me."

Max talked about remembering every driver saying something to him while he was in a coma. It was kind, respectful and loving. It made him feel good.

"But you think it was a dream?"

Max nodded, "why would they do that?"

Emma smiled, "think about that, why would they do that?"

Max thought hard, it was so difficult at times. "Because they care about me?"

Emma nodded, "whether it was a dream or not, it's important you know there are people who care about you."

The session soon ended and he was picked up again by the same two who brought him. Charles and Daniel looked at Max a little nervously. He was so quiet after this session, maybe it was a big one? Daniel gave his boyfriend a kiss, but Max barely responded.

"What's up Maxy?" Daniel asked.

"I had a dream, but maybe it was a memory. It was nice and I don't know if it's true or not."

Charles and Dan looked at each other in surprise."Can we help you?" Charles asked. The boys had become a lot better at talking about emotions. 

Max was silent for a moment and sighed. "The drivers, do they care about me?"

Charles frowned, "of course silly."

Max doubted whether to say it or not, but knew talking helped. "It was a memory that all the drivers said something to me while I was in a coma. Something sweet or respectful. That I had to keep fighting."

Charles blushed, "yeah that really happened."

That gave Max an extremely warm feeling. The others cared about him. "If I quit being an F1 driver, would you guys still love me?"

Charles and Daniel looked at him as if he were saying something really crazy. "Of course!" they said. Max smiled. He had people around him who supported him. He had friends, family, and love.

"I want to keep driving. The pressure that Red Bull gave me was too much. I couldn't take it anymore." Max almost cried now that he was finally telling the truth.

Daniel took Max's hand, "next time you talk to me. We'll go to Helmut and Christian together, because it’s not going to work. They can't lose you anyway Max, you're drawing huge sponsors." Max laughed, that was true.

For the first time in ages he could laugh again with his friend and his boyfriend. He had a boyfriend! "Shall we call the others?" Max asked out of the blue. "I'm looking forward to seeing them again."

Charles smiled, "Good idea."

Max was far from better, he still had a long way to go. But he wanted to live now, live for his friends, his boyfriend and for himself. But every day he got stronger and every day he got a little better. Of course there were bad days, but now he knew who to call. 

He felt alive, that was the most important thing

If you're going through hell, keep going.


End file.
